Friday, April 11, 2008

Olymics Cancelled ?

The UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has decided not to go to the opening of the Beijing Olympics.

In an official statement he said " No body really called me I was just gate crashing. Also I have this thing I need to do with my friend ehh Jakie."

Chinese government has said that it sent the invite with a box of Chinese Noodles and a Fortune Cookie. The invitation was hidden inside the fortune cookie.

The United nation is trying not to piss off a very large and angry China which is hosting the Olympics after years of Cribbing and crying. The Chinese people on the other hand are trying to pretend as if every thing is normal. There is hush hush wipers of no one turning up for the event. A very worried Chinese official said that the general secretary cancellation could lead to a domino effect and the athletes might end up canceling the show.

The Picture here shows people protesting.

In a Completely unrelated news The Tibetans want....

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Monday, December 25, 2006

British assult on Iraqi Headquaters

A very shaken Iraqi security guard on promise of anonymity (Kaleem Jabbar number 2342947) told us the ordeal that he and his colleagues had to face when the British army attacked.

A little background
The British army has been in Iraq for the longest time. They were part of the coalition (along with Armenia Estonia and Moldova amongst many others) which attacked Iraq. The Army is on the verge of breaking. The British soldiers haven't faced this much stress since the great British shortage of Tea biscuits. The British soldier is probably the most difficult to convince into battle. A steady supply of tea and biscuits during the day and warm beer with bland food at night is the minimum requirement. The customary greeting of removing or lowering the hat resulted in the most deaths. This led to the army taking drastic measures. They installed little sensors on the helmets that would send a huge shock to the knees and making the soldier fall to the ground.

Back to Mr. Jabbar our secret source in the Iraqi Police (please don’t tell anyone).

"The army men were hysterical”, Jabbar
"They entered the police station and ordered 10 bagels take away",
When we told them we dint have any they got pissed of and blew up our nice police station.
He told me that they offered them their food. But it seems that the British soldier still insisted on bagels and tea. The British then demanded to speak to their manager. The chief inspector tried to defuse the situation. But a very irate British soldier then drove the tank right through the wall.

All Iraqi police stations are now required by law to keep bagels and tea. And not just any bagels, the bagels that melt in your mouth. The Iraqi government has decided to send their top cops to a London to learn how to cook bagels.

"We are looking for weapons of mass destruction", British soldier
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Friday, December 08, 2006

Yoga Has Helped Us: Hamas

Hamas has categorically denied the existence of Israel. The Palestinian Prime minister Mr. Haniya said that he advocates this new change in him to Yoga and meditation. Now he only sees the good in life and refuses to see what he doesn't like. He has also stopped seeing his wife. And is also planing to make the biggest yoga and meditation center in the world right here.

What bought about this change in stance ? Mr. Haniya had a dream 3 days ago of a contoured body with legs wrapped around his head. He got up and checked the internet looked through the regular (ahem) news sites, but nothing. He was frustrated so he turned on the TV. And while switching channels he found this guy who looked a lot like the one in his dreams, It was B.K.S Iyengar the greatest Yoga master of our time.

A close associate in the government reported that they wanted to over throw Mr Haniya as he was going crazy trying to stand on his head all and asked his cabinet members to hold his feet up. But they soon realized that through meditation they could all just stop seeing Israel and that could work. Because they tried almost every thing else.

So thus began the greatest parliamentary yoga session known to modern society. Its a win win situation The Israelis are really happy.
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Japanese people refuse to work hard

The Japanese economy had picked up speed last year till last month. But suddenly out of the blue the Japanese economy slowed down. The Japanese people refused to work hard and put in those extra hours to compete with its larger neighbor. There are two theories that have been cooked up that explain this sudden problem.

"Its that stupid PS3", said one left wing political leader. We have all seen the lines of people waiting to buy their over priced PS3. If people are standing in line they are obviously not working and this has lead to a slowdown.

The same theory extends : Sony's entire top management is being blackmailed by China. The Chinese government holds the recording of the last Sony bash where they invited a couple of strippers (male strippers). The Chinese dream of kicking Japan's ass will finally come true. Basically their plan is to get the entire nation addicted to the PS3 and then when no one is looking attack Japan. And replace their Emperor with another person preferably a convict and get a face transplant done. The police is watching "Face off" to get clues.

A government inquiry is being setup into it today.

There is also a counter point tot he sudden slowdown in the Japanese economy. A leading Psychologist has pointed out to the fact that the PS3 is actually shit. Which could have triggered a feeling of "What a big F***ing idiot I am" resulted in a complete demoralization and loss of interest in work.

Or maybe its fear of Godzilla...
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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Islamic Fighters take the UN to the UN

The Somalian Islamist who have taken over most of Southern Somalia are taking the UN to the UN. They have figured out a loop hole in the system. They are now in the process of passing this information to their very barbaric neighbors. The military rulers of these countries are laughing as they realized the bureaucratic hurdle in amending procedures in the UN.

In the mean time there is a mad party for all the military rulers ,the liberation army people and War lords of Africa.

As the great jungle saying in Africa goes "the best defense is offense". The Islamist warlords decided to take the UN to the UN and let it get caught in its own paper work. The idea is to fill the United Nations headquarters with so much paper that they cannot do anything else, Even filing them will take ages.

This news has worried the UN as they are helpless and powerless against bureaucratic paperwork. The UN unanimously passed a judgment condemning this idea.

"Because of our new 364 page form the last genocide in Africa took us only 6 months to react. Our condemnation of the action lead to the slowing down of the killing", A Proud senior bureaucrat in the UN.

According to the Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy the United nations is the second most bureaucratic organization in the galaxy the 1st is the Vogons who wont save their own grandmother.........
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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Martians

"There are aliens. They are living under the surface on mars.", leadings scientist.

The aliens seem to be sucking in all the water below the surface to use it for their evil purposes. They seem to be building a large army of space crafts. The scientific community seems to be divided about the size of the space crafts. The scientists are holding up signs reading "The end is upon us" around the city.

All this seems to have started when a scientist slept off while watching "Mars Attacks". The subconscious area of the brain seems to have absorbed and worked on this idea fr 2 months and then it finally materialized into a great conspiracy theory about Martians invading.

The other point of view is slightly different it all started when another leading scientist Mr Armstrong slept off while watching star trek (The episode when Jean Luke Picard becomes a borg) . The scientist woke up believing that the Martians want to invade our planet and take over his body.

"Either way The future is uncertain and the End is always near.", Jim Morrison
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Monday, December 04, 2006

The US declares war on The Moon.

The United states of America declared war on the Nation of the moon. Mr. Dennis M of lunar Embassy has been named public enemy number one by the American government. All this started when the American government wanted to setup a permanent base on the moon. Mr. Dennis M declined the US the right to land there and also to setup a base ther.

"They have mass destruction on the moon", President Bush declared yesterday.

"We will get them. We will not live in constant threat. How can we live in a society where we cant look at the moon without wondering if it has Nuclear weapons", Condaleeza Rice.

Mr. Dennis M has reportedly had a heart attack. He claims he was really sleepy when the US officials called to ask him about the moon. He wants to present an acre of land to the president but no one is picking up his calls.

He is also facing deportation. If he is proven to be the actual ruler of the moon. Mr. Dennis M is actually in a bit of a pickle, if he accepts the fact that he is the ruler of the moon he will be deported and if he says he isn't then he will have to return the millions he took from people around the world. Either ways its not the best time for him.

In the mean time people of earth be afraid of the Weapons of Mass Destruction on the moon.
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Afghanistan's Leader

"The job in Afghanistan is not done. We are doing the best we can!!", said Mr Karzaai

Mr Karzaai has been the president for 5 years. In the many interviews he has given since then he has made it clear that he didn't want the job. We have unconfirmed reports about the day he found out he was chosen by a computer at random from a long list of people which includes Michel Jackson, Shakeel o Neel , Brain Adams, That Guy from that tooth paste commercial and Davide blaine amongst other people.

He even wrote a long list of reason why he shouldn't go. Which included the famous "I cant speak Afghani" line.

After all of that he was shipped off to Afghanistan. People had a very hard time understanding him because of his accent.

"It will be an uphill to get the entire country to speak in an American accent, but we will spend all we can." task said

But after 3 years the war rages on because of president Karzaai's heavy accent. People from different clans villages and provinces have different interpretations of his speech.

Mr Karzaai stated that he will not rest until the entire country has an accent.
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Saturday, December 02, 2006

Madagascar has a New President

Nations around the world have started their massive week long party to celebrate along with the people of Madagascar. Ulaanbaatar in Mongolia is expected to have the biggest party in comparison to its GDP. The Mongolian people have been friends with the Madagascans for about 2 years. Mongolia a landlocked country ,sandwiched between Russia and China in desperate need for friends.

The Mongolian President sent many gifts which include 5 wild yak, 5 horses in the country ,some opium, and the presidents daughter for marriage.

"They really want to be friends", Said the confused official who found the opium.

The Mongolian rioting police was deployed in the mean time to curb any unruly mob. By the way the Mongolian riot police is the same regular police except with a different uniform. How do the Madagascans feel about their new found friend?

"I think its a great that they want to be friends with us.", Some Guy in Madagascar.

"I don't think we should accept their friendship, They are such a rich and powerful nation they can invade us anytime. We should take this with a pinch of salt.", Senior Politician in Madagascar.

In the mean time there have been reports of Poll booth capturing and rigging in the election. Some people have been rioting and lots of shops have been burnt.
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Friday, December 01, 2006

New American Citizens Test Requirements

Name the last 30 American presidents arranged according to their Birth Months?

Name all the States and list them according to the number of Sky Scrapers?

These are just few of the countless easy tests the American government is imposing on the people trying to get citizenship. There is an anger in the air in most of the American towns as people feel they will be a minority in their own country if laws like these aren't repelled.

We spoke to some people on the street to record their voices.

"I don't want those F***ing Brazilians to cross my border and stay in our country.", Raymen halls.

"Just because Morocco shares a border with us doesn't mean they can cross it any time they want.", Patric

The law in its current form would also open the door for random police checks. If this law is passed you can expect a special arm of the Para military forces walking into your house and asking you Questions like "What is the total length of all the rivers in America ?" .
And failing to answer these simple questions would only mean you are not an American citizen.

"Go back immigrants the country is full", Bart Simpson
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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Uk is our Bi**h

"Uk is our bi**h", A senior US official said on Yesterday. Mr Myers elaborated how the British prime minister was forced into mud wrestling by Mr Bush. And Mr Bush plays a lot of practical jokes on him whenever he is over for a sleepover. Basically UK is a sidekick to the US. Its like Batman and Robin. Although Robin fights the same villains as Batman he doesn't get his own car neither does he get Pants. He is forced to run around in his shorts and say yes to everything batman says.

"We don't want to be Robin anymore", Said an old Britisher.

The Mr Blair has been caught repeating the same thing Mr Bush says many times. So much so last September in a jointly held press conference. Mr Bush talks about the war on terror and how we need to win at etc etc. When Mr Blair took the stand he made just one statement, "Whatever he said".

Every time the UK throws its tantrums and objects the US reminds them of WWII. Its widely accepted that the US saved UK's ass in WWII. A secret war document has shown the following not so shocking facts. The UK signed an agreement with the US saying that they would Play robin to US who loved being Batman for the next 100 years.

In the mean time the senior US official MR Myers has been asked to think it and but not say it aloud.
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Something Happens in Fiji

Somethings rotten in the state of Fiji. Fiji is the 155th largest county in the world. Its really far away. Fiji has been in the news about 4 times since 1970. All we know about Fiji is that a lot of tourists go there. And they grow sugarcane. Also the Fijians love the hit 80's show the A team.

The International community believed its best not to disturb them. There was news of some disturbance yesterday. We have sent our best reporter to cover it. But in the mean time we like to believe its got to do with the French nuclear explosion which caused the pacific Lizard to grow into Godzilla.

This Godzilla wrecking havoc in the jungles of Fiji. This Giant lizard is eating all trees and defecating on the land. This is causing all the tourist's to leave.

"Thats the most pungent smell ever", Some guy.

The Fijian secret society that was expecting the arrival of a giant monkey were caught completely off guard. They say its a translation error.

"What will we do with our stock of 5 million Banana's", Head priest

But this is all our prediction. It maybe about this coup or some thing.
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Happy Chinese Activist

The wife of an activist Mr Chen was arrested yesterday in the Yinyang province. The government was rapped by the international press for this subversive act. Yaun Beijing was arrested outside the court by the police. According to the The lawyer the summons stated that she is being arrested for being a witch.

Mr Chen has changed his stance towards the government, he now claims its a very just and fair government and we all need to make sacrifices and the government is guiding the People of China into the 21st century. Mr Chen seemed jubilant. It seems like he is containing his happiness.

A little investigation reveled that Yaun is a Kungfu master. And all arguments in the house were settled the hard way for Mr Chen. The local humanitarian organization saw the bruises on his body and assumed the government beat him up. The organization started protests and rallies against the atrocities by the government. The government quickly denies any involvement.

"This is not like the other times we actually didn't do it, this time",Government official.

The police claim to have received an anonymous call from home telephone of Mr Chen, saying that Yaun Beijing was a witch. Mr Chen claims he was in the loo at that time.
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The Isrealy offer their Hand of Peace

The Isrealy Pm offered the Hand of peace to the Palestiny's. This is huge gesture of peace from the Isrealy's as they love their "Hand of Peace". The Hand of Peace is a massive structure. About 120 ft tall. The Structure has its origins in the Pre-Biblical era. From the region of Troy.

Many countries have been fighting over this for many centuries. This great and powerful structure is known to posses many healing powers some cultures have called a wish granter and it is said to be the source of Isrealy strength.

The Palestinys are over joyed at the softening of stance from Isrealy. They say they have won a great war. And have started to prepare for a 100 day party. "We have won a great victory" ,Said a Palestiny.

The preparations are in full swing to well come the "Hand of Peace". Although many old timers are suspicious as the Isrealy were laughing their guts out as they pushed the huge Horse like Hand to the Gazi Strip. What arouses more suspicion is that this horse structure looks brand new and has many windows and a satellite dish.

The news room reported today that an undercover operation in the Palestiny reveals that they don't love peace and are going to keep this Hand and continue to make fun of Isreal.

The President Bush on the other hand reported this as a break through and feels that the middle east problem will be solved before Christmas.
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What's this Green house Effect

The fuel Industry officials claimed that they don't know any thing about this Global warming and Green house effect. Industry Spokesman Mr Killjoy stated that this could be a ploy by the oil deficient countries to get oil for free. Or a terrorist ploy to do some thing. We are not sure. But we will get to the bottom of this. No terrorist out fit has been blamed yet

The Industry also claimed that they were never invited to any of the global summits for the environment. And they often claim that the Scientists hate them.
"All they want is free Petrol", said an Exon guy.

"Just leave us alone" ,One gas station attendant was heard saying.
He was waving his hands viciously trying to fight of a large number of eunuchs.

We are sure its not out of context.
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Monday, November 27, 2006

Sri Bankan leader in the country again

The Sri Bankan Prime Minister is int he country again. We don't know why? He wouldn't say. We don't know what to think of this. The Indian Prime minister was woken up in the middle of this night and asked to welcome the Sri Bankan Leader.

The Indian Administration remained Stunned as they had to cook food for an extra person. We are really worried. Our food Budget is very tight this month.

"He should have called in Advance", said the Head cook.

Internal sources state that The Sri Bankan's love the Delhi Gool Gappa.

"It is a great mystery to our people how you make the Gool Gappa", Sri Bankan tourist.

Indian Government is bewildered.
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Greased Lightning

This just in. John Travilta is erasing Saturn's rings. The scientist are pretty sure. It seemed that Mr Travilta beat up Saturn Last night for checking his girl out. The incident went out of control at a class trip to the Planetarium. When Sandy (Mrs.Olsen) was looking at saturn. Saturn was caught off guard. Its widely accepted that Danny took a cheap shot. And Sandy is ticked off.

Astronomers say that this is a theory. But since there are no contradicting theories at this time we are willing to put our money on this. Although this guy i once met told me that this could all be happening because of thunderstorms. But who knows these things. We will keep you posted on the upcoming events on Saturn and his Retribution.
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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Monument lease

Blog post from the future.
The year 2030

The government has has been pulled up by the supreme court. The court wanted to know where is the Gateway of India. The judiciary became suspicious when Defiance the largest corporate in India. Air lifted the Gateway of India to keep it safe. This is not the 1st instance of corporates using the nations monuments for personal pleasure. Last year when the Elephanta caves were cordoned off for expansions. It re opened as the TAPA caves. Featuring many new sculptures of engineering feats and many new additions. Like the industrialist Ratan Tapa sculpture.

The island outside Mumbai the Ajanta caves has been taken over by Essel world. The amusement park group. This added to confusion of the people of Mumbai as any monument in Mumbai has at least 5 names. The people responded by boycotting all the monuments.

This entire problem is said to have arisen from Nov 2006, when the government decide to lease of the monuments.

Friday, November 24, 2006

After much whining qubec allowed to stay

After a long whing by the qubecian representatives infront of the Canadian parliament. A giant "We are sorry card" along with 5 truck full of candy was also presented as a peace offering. The Government told them that they could stay in the union of Canada. The problem started when one of the qubecian representatives spoke louder than necessary, this lead to name calling and some "Your mama's so fat jokes". The constant talking in French also pissed every one off.

The Canadian Gov official line remained "They are getting on our nerves, but how can we say no to chocolates"

The origins of this conflict starts way back in the early Mesozoic era when the first Mammoths were slay en by the people. There was a certain Cave man from Quebec who missed the mammoth completely and hit the chief of Canada. Though we have no recorded eye witnesses to this event. But I am pretty certain its true , this really old man told me.

New Orleans Record Turnout

The managing commitee of the New Orleans' Fair Grounds Race Course did it again. A record turnout of 80,000. How did they do it? Well.. I asked a few people why they were there and what made them come out.

"Sir, What do u love about racing ?"
"What racing I am here to see Elvis, apparently the aliens are returning him. "

"Sir, Why are you out here ?"
"I love pie and i was told if i came here i could have all the pie i wanted"

"Madam, What about you, Why are you here"
"I am looking for my dog, he left me a note saying I will meet you at the fair ground"

I wasnt around to see the resultant mass hysteria.

I have just been handed this "Aliens to make contact in New Orleans' Fair Grounds Race Course"

French Premier welcome's Football violence

After a long long sitting of the French parliament. The French politicians announced , "We welcome football violence". Leading defense annalists have pointed a finger at the growing danger from China for this landmark decision. The alleged architect for this policy is the famous Zibane who made headlines across the world for his drop kick during the world cup Final. The French parliament believes that their men are becoming too pansy and need to toughen up.

"Its time our men become more than great cooks" ,said the French premier.

In an unrelated event Zibane was awarded the country's highest award for bravery. He is incidentally the only non military man to ever receive it.