British assult on Iraqi Headquaters

A very shaken Iraqi security guard on promise of anonymity (Kaleem Jabbar number 2342947) told us the ordeal that he and his colleagues had to face when the British army attacked.

A little background
The British army has been in Iraq for the longest time. They were part of the coalition (along with Armenia Estonia and Moldova amongst many others) which attacked Iraq. The Army is on the verge of breaking. The British soldiers haven't faced this much stress since the great British shortage of Tea biscuits. The British soldier is probably the most difficult to convince into battle. A steady supply of tea and biscuits during the day and warm beer with bland food at night is the minimum requirement. The customary greeting of removing or lowering the hat resulted in the most deaths. This led to the army taking drastic measures. They installed little sensors on the helmets that would send a huge shock to the knees and making the soldier fall to the ground.

Back to Mr. Jabbar our secret source in the Iraqi Police (please don’t tell anyone).

"The army men were hysterical”, Jabbar
"They entered the police station and ordered 10 bagels take away",
When we told them we dint have any they got pissed of and blew up our nice police station.
He told me that they offered them their food. But it seems that the British soldier still insisted on bagels and tea. The British then demanded to speak to their manager. The chief inspector tried to defuse the situation. But a very irate British soldier then drove the tank right through the wall.

All Iraqi police stations are now required by law to keep bagels and tea. And not just any bagels, the bagels that melt in your mouth. The Iraqi government has decided to send their top cops to a London to learn how to cook bagels.

"We are looking for weapons of mass destruction", British soldier

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Yoga Has Helped Us: Hamas

Hamas has categorically denied the existence of Israel. The Palestinian Prime minister Mr. Haniya said that he advocates this new change in him to Yoga and meditation. Now he only sees the good in life and refuses to see what he doesn't like. He has also stopped seeing his wife. And is also planing to make the biggest yoga and meditation center in the world right here.

What bought about this change in stance ? Mr. Haniya had a dream 3 days ago of a contoured body with legs wrapped around his head. He got up and checked the internet looked through the regular (ahem) news sites, but nothing. He was frustrated so he turned on the TV. And while switching channels he found this guy who looked a lot like the one in his dreams, It was B.K.S Iyengar the greatest Yoga master of our time.

A close associate in the government reported that they wanted to over throw Mr Haniya as he was going crazy trying to stand on his head all and asked his cabinet members to hold his feet up. But they soon realized that through meditation they could all just stop seeing Israel and that could work. Because they tried almost every thing else.

So thus began the greatest parliamentary yoga session known to modern society. Its a win win situation The Israelis are really happy.

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Japanese people refuse to work hard

The Japanese economy had picked up speed last year till last month. But suddenly out of the blue the Japanese economy slowed down. The Japanese people refused to work hard and put in those extra hours to compete with its larger neighbor. There are two theories that have been cooked up that explain this sudden problem.

"Its that stupid PS3", said one left wing political leader. We have all seen the lines of people waiting to buy their over priced PS3. If people are standing in line they are obviously not working and this has lead to a slowdown.

The same theory extends : Sony's entire top management is being blackmailed by China. The Chinese government holds the recording of the last Sony bash where they invited a couple of strippers (male strippers). The Chinese dream of kicking Japan's ass will finally come true. Basically their plan is to get the entire nation addicted to the PS3 and then when no one is looking attack Japan. And replace their Emperor with another person preferably a convict and get a face transplant done. The police is watching "Face off" to get clues.

A government inquiry is being setup into it today.

There is also a counter point tot he sudden slowdown in the Japanese economy. A leading Psychologist has pointed out to the fact that the PS3 is actually shit. Which could have triggered a feeling of "What a big F***ing idiot I am" resulted in a complete demoralization and loss of interest in work.

Or maybe its fear of Godzilla...

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Islamic Fighters take the UN to the UN

The Somalian Islamist who have taken over most of Southern Somalia are taking the UN to the UN. They have figured out a loop hole in the system. They are now in the process of passing this information to their very barbaric neighbors. The military rulers of these countries are laughing as they realized the bureaucratic hurdle in amending procedures in the UN.

In the mean time there is a mad party for all the military rulers ,the liberation army people and War lords of Africa.

As the great jungle saying in Africa goes "the best defense is offense". The Islamist warlords decided to take the UN to the UN and let it get caught in its own paper work. The idea is to fill the United Nations headquarters with so much paper that they cannot do anything else, Even filing them will take ages.

This news has worried the UN as they are helpless and powerless against bureaucratic paperwork. The UN unanimously passed a judgment condemning this idea.

"Because of our new 364 page form the last genocide in Africa took us only 6 months to react. Our condemnation of the action lead to the slowing down of the killing", A Proud senior bureaucrat in the UN.

According to the Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy the United nations is the second most bureaucratic organization in the galaxy the 1st is the Vogons who wont save their own grandmother.........

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The Martians

"There are aliens. They are living under the surface on mars.", leadings scientist.

The aliens seem to be sucking in all the water below the surface to use it for their evil purposes. They seem to be building a large army of space crafts. The scientific community seems to be divided about the size of the space crafts. The scientists are holding up signs reading "The end is upon us" around the city.

All this seems to have started when a scientist slept off while watching "Mars Attacks". The subconscious area of the brain seems to have absorbed and worked on this idea fr 2 months and then it finally materialized into a great conspiracy theory about Martians invading.

The other point of view is slightly different it all started when another leading scientist Mr Armstrong slept off while watching star trek (The episode when Jean Luke Picard becomes a borg) . The scientist woke up believing that the Martians want to invade our planet and take over his body.

"Either way The future is uncertain and the End is always near.", Jim Morrison

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The US declares war on The Moon.

The United states of America declared war on the Nation of the moon. Mr. Dennis M of lunar Embassy has been named public enemy number one by the American government. All this started when the American government wanted to setup a permanent base on the moon. Mr. Dennis M declined the US the right to land there and also to setup a base ther.

"They have mass destruction on the moon", President Bush declared yesterday.

"We will get them. We will not live in constant threat. How can we live in a society where we cant look at the moon without wondering if it has Nuclear weapons", Condaleeza Rice.

Mr. Dennis M has reportedly had a heart attack. He claims he was really sleepy when the US officials called to ask him about the moon. He wants to present an acre of land to the president but no one is picking up his calls.

He is also facing deportation. If he is proven to be the actual ruler of the moon. Mr. Dennis M is actually in a bit of a pickle, if he accepts the fact that he is the ruler of the moon he will be deported and if he says he isn't then he will have to return the millions he took from people around the world. Either ways its not the best time for him.

In the mean time people of earth be afraid of the Weapons of Mass Destruction on the moon.

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Afghanistan's Leader

"The job in Afghanistan is not done. We are doing the best we can!!", said Mr Karzaai

Mr Karzaai has been the president for 5 years. In the many interviews he has given since then he has made it clear that he didn't want the job. We have unconfirmed reports about the day he found out he was chosen by a computer at random from a long list of people which includes Michel Jackson, Shakeel o Neel , Brain Adams, That Guy from that tooth paste commercial and Davide blaine amongst other people.

He even wrote a long list of reason why he shouldn't go. Which included the famous "I cant speak Afghani" line.

After all of that he was shipped off to Afghanistan. People had a very hard time understanding him because of his accent.

"It will be an uphill to get the entire country to speak in an American accent, but we will spend all we can." task said

But after 3 years the war rages on because of president Karzaai's heavy accent. People from different clans villages and provinces have different interpretations of his speech.

Mr Karzaai stated that he will not rest until the entire country has an accent.

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Madagascar has a New President

Nations around the world have started their massive week long party to celebrate along with the people of Madagascar. Ulaanbaatar in Mongolia is expected to have the biggest party in comparison to its GDP. The Mongolian people have been friends with the Madagascans for about 2 years. Mongolia a landlocked country ,sandwiched between Russia and China in desperate need for friends.

The Mongolian President sent many gifts which include 5 wild yak, 5 horses in the country ,some opium, and the presidents daughter for marriage.

"They really want to be friends", Said the confused official who found the opium.

The Mongolian rioting police was deployed in the mean time to curb any unruly mob. By the way the Mongolian riot police is the same regular police except with a different uniform. How do the Madagascans feel about their new found friend?

"I think its a great that they want to be friends with us.", Some Guy in Madagascar.

"I don't think we should accept their friendship, They are such a rich and powerful nation they can invade us anytime. We should take this with a pinch of salt.", Senior Politician in Madagascar.

In the mean time there have been reports of Poll booth capturing and rigging in the election. Some people have been rioting and lots of shops have been burnt.

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New American Citizens Test Requirements

Name the last 30 American presidents arranged according to their Birth Months?

Name all the States and list them according to the number of Sky Scrapers?

These are just few of the countless easy tests the American government is imposing on the people trying to get citizenship. There is an anger in the air in most of the American towns as people feel they will be a minority in their own country if laws like these aren't repelled.

We spoke to some people on the street to record their voices.

"I don't want those F***ing Brazilians to cross my border and stay in our country.", Raymen halls.

"Just because Morocco shares a border with us doesn't mean they can cross it any time they want.", Patric

The law in its current form would also open the door for random police checks. If this law is passed you can expect a special arm of the Para military forces walking into your house and asking you Questions like "What is the total length of all the rivers in America ?" .
And failing to answer these simple questions would only mean you are not an American citizen.

"Go back immigrants the country is full", Bart Simpson

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